What’s Next for Cam Newton?

Tonight marks the return of professional football, and people are fired up. Everywhere you look, there’s NFL coverage. Now, given the fact that I am (a) a die hard Patriots fan, filled with indignation at the Tom Brady suspension, and (b) have taken the SATs within the last calendar year as punishment for losing a Fantasy Football league, I will spare you my analysis. However, as the nation holds its collective breath waiting for the kickoff in tonight’s Carolina Panthers-Denver Broncos matchup, a rematch of last year’s Super Bowl, I will take a look at one important question: What will Cam Newton’s touchdown celebration be this year?

Over the course of the Panthers’ run to a 15-1 record and a berth in the Super Bowl, Carolina’s MVP quarterback Cam Newton helped make the “dab” famous as he used it as his touchdown celebration. In case you live under a rock, here is Cam Newton dabbing: cz2b9sb65ie9g

Over the offseason, Newton announced that he’d be retiring the dab. He claimed it was “time to move on.” However, we all know the real reason why: the dab has been ruined. It has been beaten into the ground by a collection of (mostly white) rhythmless dweebs, dorks, and otherwise “uncool” people. But it’s not just them. Even “cool” people like myself have taken to dabbing, but have been far too overzealous, adopting the dab with an unbridled enthusiasm unlike anything since The Macarena. But don’t just take my word for it:

Screen Shot 2016-09-08 at 7.02.10 PM.png
A quick “Cam Newton Touchdown Dance” Google Search
If at first you don’t succeed…
…Try, try again…
…And again…
…And again

So there’s definitely a good reason that Newton stopped dabbing. It’s time for something new. Something that hasn’t been ruined yet. Something pure…

…Or is it? Whatever dance Newton picks next is virtually guaranteed to get ruined. We can’t underestimate the propensity of passionate fans to use and abuse a touchdown dance until it is utterly uncool. So I have a different suggestion for Cam. Look back. Jump in a time machine. Instead of bringing in something new, maybe bring back something that has already been ruined. Resurrect and resuscitate instead of birthing a new trend. Bring back a dance like a phoenix, rising from the ashes. @Cam Newton, in case you are listening, here are some possibilities.

The Soulja Boy

“Crank That” by Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em was a huge hit at Bar Mitzvahs and middle school dances across the country. Based on the approximately 250 million views that the music video has on Youtube, a LOT of people tried to learn the dance, during the song’s heyday as well as after. Also a plus for Newton, the song references Superman quite a bit, and the quarterback often likens himself to the Man of Steel. Cam might want to avoid the phrase “Supermanning that Ho,” but I’m all for him cranking it on the gridiron.


The Macarena

Guess how many consecutive weeks this song was Number 1 on the charts after the Bayside Boys put out their remix. Give up? It was 14. 14! That means that for over three months you couldn’t turn on the radio without this song being on. It sounds like torture. However, the “Macarena” did give us one of the easiest, most widely known dances EVER. Everyone, from your two-year old cousin to your 92-year old grandmother can do the Macarena. Athletes want to be accessible to their fans. This could make Cam the quarterback of the people.


Pop, Lock, N’ Drop It

Honestly, I’m kind of just assuming this one was ruined by my generation of middle schoolers. I don’t really remember. I’m sure it caught on in my quaint section of suburbia, but it wasn’t as much a part of my life as other dances. It is also much to incorporate the pop, lock, or drop into everyday life, much less all three at the same time. This could revolutionize Newton’s celebration game. Not only does he get to dance and celebrate, but he can show off his ability to drop it low, too. Sounds like a win-win.


The Whip and/or the Nae Nae

The whip didn’t get a fair shake. Neither did the nae nae. I know it was only last year, mere months before the dab took over, but the meteoric rise of this dance was quickly overshadowed by a dark, dark time in internet meme history. Let me introduce to you: The Whip Circle. Exhibit A and Exhibit B will quickly reveal that the whip and nae nae need Cam. Actually, you know what, you’re right. It’s WAY too soon.


The Electric Slide

I don’t believe the electric slide was necessarily ever ruined, but I need it back. Desperately. Not for any sentimental attachment to the dance, or even because I know all the moves, but because it hearkens back to the most under-appreciated football movie of all time: The Replacements. Keanu Reeves stars as Shane “Footsteps” Falco in this classic comedy about replacement-level football players taking over during an NFL strike. Cam wants to be a leader? Lead your team through dance. If it can work for Keanu Reeves, it can work for you.


The dab might be dead, but I know that won’t be the end of Cam’s fantastic celebrations. He’s the hero we need in the wake of the NFL’s crackdown on “bad sportsmanship.” Hopefully he’ll break out a great, new innovation tonight. But he might want to consider bringing back a classic, instead of watching his new celebration be the latest victim of the Meme Generation.


Gifs: Giphy, Tumblr, GifSoup, Imgur


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